And Kyle is facing his own interesting emotions. He loves staying at home (who wouldn't?), but just doesn't want anyone to know about it. He hasn't yet come to terms with the phrase "stay at home dad". Giving up the burden of being the sole provider is taking some getting used to. I can only imagine how nerve-wreckingly slippery that must be for him. And going back to school is daunting. He gripes that I can't understand what it feels like to go back since I am a bookworm, nerd and writer. Fair enough, but I did already take my plunge into the unknown and intimidating, and I am dutifully swimming in it Monday through Friday. So I think i get the emotion behind it. He wants to know why I "have to tell everybody about our business". But it's not like I have taken out a billboard on 35E saying "Kyle is going back to school!" (Although, writing about it on a public blog might be close...) It's just that when people find out that I went back to work, their immediate next questions are who's taking care of the boys(especially since it is summertime) and what's Kyle doing? Who wouldn't ask that? And I think saying things, especially scary things, outloud keeps you accountable to following through on them.
But here's the real deal on this whole role-reversal: it's like a once in a lifetime chance to start over without having to give up what matters the most. It's asking yourself, What do I want to be when I grow up? and really getting to do it...At age 35!
So cool and of course it's uncomfortable. There can be no growth inside your comfort zone.
On my side, it has been interesting how easy it was to slip the business suit back on. Now, of course, I still feel like I have no clue what I am doing and that any minute they will discover that I am actually a fraud with a great way with words during an interview. Yikes! But, the physical walking out the door, doing what it takes, staying engaged in the present activity so I don't get overwhelmed, it just happened. And how quickly that nagging need to be good at my job (and make a lot of money) came back on me. I KNEW in college that I was meant to be a vice president or CEO of something. Five years later, I KNEW that I wasn't willing to sacrifice quality of life with family and friends for the climbing that would take. (And of course the twins helped to secure that notion since I was outnumbered the second they were born.) So maybe there has been a tiny bit of leftover corporativa inside all this time.
Well, who knew? I wish I would have enjoyed staying at home more instead of always chasing deadlines and stressing about money this past year. But, I guess I really know deep down, I'm not really a soap opera and bonbon kind of gal. (Although I should have at least tried it!)
It's also so hard right now being at peace with the idea that Kyle is here for the boys and not me. I know that's good and I know it's what God intends for us right now, but it's hard. When Kyle showed me pics of the boys on their camping trip with their big smiles in front of a backdrop that I had never seen, it hit me hard. I missed it. I missed those moment with them. And they are doing ok without me since daddy is there.
It's exhausting waking up at 5:30 every morning and worrying about getting to bed at a decent hour every night, but I'm sure that will pass. Kyle has made it as smooth and sweet as possible for me and I am amazed at what we are learning through this. (That is a whole other blog on it's own! Everyone should be so damn blessed to LITERALLY walk in each other's shoes. The world as we knew it has shifted so much it's giving us vertigo.) Who knew he could cook?
Anyhoo, the clock is glaring at me so I gotta run. I am late for traffic.
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