Do I Really Have to Learn this Lesson?

This past Sunday at my wonderful little church, there was a gem of a sermon. You know the kind, one that starts you on a path to a new realization; the kind that is inspirational and a little uncomfortable at the same time. This one was about how does one go about loving God. What does that mean? (I am going to stop here and apologize to Fr Ron right now for my inadequate paraphrasing, not that he reads this. God, I hope not. Wait, am I allowed to say that? Oh hell...Doh!)
He tried to convey to us that Jesus told us that loving him meant following his teachings and actually walking in the ways of faith. It's that darned word 'obedience' popping up in its slippery way. Slippery because how often do we as adults actually think of obedience and how it relates to ourselves? I expect my dog to obey. I hope my kids obey. I wish my husband would obey, but me? Naaahhh.
In a long and beautiful connecting of the dots, he explained that obedience eventually--and naturally--leads to outward works that display our faith. And as we've heard, "Faith without works is dead."
But it seems that when I don't answer the door the first time, God will just keep knocking. The word obedience, I am realizing, has been bubbling up to the surface of my conscience for a while now in things i've read, thought and stumbled upon.
The most recent of these was a long overdue and much begrudged epiphany about money. Yeah, yeah, everything is God's in the first place, etc, but, man, is it hard to do. Several years ago, I listened to a totally different sermon (about tithing-insert groan here) by a totally different priest (whom I still love dearly even though he is far away) that has stuck with me ever since. He said that when we tithe, it is a way to break the hold that money has on our hearts and lives. It is a discipline that helps bring perspective and freedom. So slowly I have been trying to talk myself into this obedience by increasing the amount I give. Finally, at the beginning of this year, after being fed up with our workaholic situation that is totally dictated by money mascarading as security, I leapt. I cut the check first before all others, even when I know that month is going to be tough. (Even now I am struggling with this this month-so there will be a gut check here soon to see if I can keep it up. God help me if I'm wrong...HA, Ok, I'm a dork.) It's scary, but it turns out the priest at my church in Corpus Christi was right about loosening the stranglehold money has on you. Gripping onto faith provides a much more secure hold than clutching a checkbook. But as happens with all much needed lessons, they are rarely the endpoint in the journey, just another stepping stone. So it goes with obedience.
Because what is so painfully obvious is that even when we are struggling, we still have so much. And that makes me feel as though I don't do enough. So full circle, obey by loving thy neighbor through works? Is that the lesson I am coming to? I know it won't be my brain that figures this one out. But the painful truth is how easy--no not easy, how pathetic difficult it is to remember to look for ways to 'serve'. Hell (oh damn, there I go again), it's just too easy to be stuck inside my own head all the time. For instance, pathetic kudos to me when the sale at Kroger reminded me to pick up a few extra items for the food bank donation. But do you know how long that sad little $5 bag has been waiting to be donated? Two freaking weeks! Ridiculous.
It is so easy to obey my hunger, my wants, my emotions, but I don't have to guess that obedience without discipline, without a leap of faith, is just weakness.
He mentioned as parents we ask our children to be obedient, even when they don't understand our reasoning, because it eventually teaches them HOW to be good people. (My boys will tell you how many times I remind them that there are only two kinds of rules in our house: the kind that keep them alive and the kind that teach them how to be good men.) Our priest postulated, "Might not God be trying to guide us and teach us in the same way?"

I have begun to wonder if my going back to work is part of the obedience charge. I have had to realize that the path we have been searching for away from the oilfield is not about me. This is about where God needs and wants Kyle to be. I just look at the sky and say, "You're getting me out of the way? Seriously?!" And for some reason that sounds right. (Insert image of me sulking to my corner.)
So I'll try to stay open to the message obedience (submissiveness, good behavior, accordance, acquiescence, agreement, compliance, conformity, deference, docility, dutifulness, manageability, meekness, observance, orderliness, quietness, respect, reverence, servility, subservience, tameness, tractability, willingness--YIKES) can teach me.
Why couldn't He just have asked me to donate blood?